Still Counting Down....34 Weeks

 Well -- so far so good!  :) 

I won't lie though.  I am pregnant hypocondric.  My doctor's group is great at making me feel better and taking all of my calls and extra visits -- but I am sure they will be celebrating Cupcake's birth for a whole different reason than me.  Ha!  I am that lady who goes to each appt with a list of questions and I am also that lady who has already gone to Labor and Delivery twice since 32 weeks....since I am paranoid.  But Cupcake seems to be doing S.U.P.E.R! 

At work I still get people who say, "Oh, are you pregnant?" after I mention Cupcake or something.  I never know what to say to that -- "No, I am just really fat in ONE spot"  or "No, just had a big lunch today"  I mean maybe you can be cautious around someone who is 4-6 months -- but by 8 months it is defintely a baby in there.  Ha!  :) 

We are getting more and more ready to meet our little man...  Cloth diapers in size small mostly bought, baby hammock brought, car seat arranged, hospital bags packed, now we just have to count the days!!! 

I

P.S.  These pictures are from last week -- we are at 35 weeks now.  :)  I'm slow.

January 21st, 1983

Interesting facts about 1/21/83: 

Number One Song (that week) -- Land Down Under (I do like Kangaroo Jack) 

(1983 also brought Beat It by Michael Jackson, Maneater,

and the ever popular love song, Every Breath You Take)

Tidbits: Swatch starts making watches; Challenger is launched; Internet is created;

first mobile phone for sell (Motorola), Cabbage Patch dolls come out

Prices:  Unleaded Gas - $1.24/gallon; Milk - $2.24/gallon;

Eggs - $.88/dozen; Stamp - $.20

Famous People with Birthday:  King Charles V (of England)  :);  'Stonewall' Jackson;

Christian Dior (fashion); Geena Davis (actress),

and Stacia Jeanine Hamidi

Great day, huh? 

Happy Brithday to me!

Praying that my 29th year brings me a live baby, a place to live, and my hubby back!

Some Black and Whites of Cupcake :)

hand in his mouth!

I just love how you can see how big his cute little cheeks are!

The sonogramists have been so wonderful to give me so many fotos of the little man!  

I am withholding the images that show that he is DEFINITELY a boy for his privacy -- hee hee!  :)

Rainbow Baby Poem

Found this beautiful poem on one of my babycenter groups.  Loved it!

A Different Child

A different child,

People notice

 There's a special glow around you

You grow

 Surrounded by love,

 Never doubting you are wanted;

Only look at the pride and joy

 In your mother and father's eyes,

And if sometimes

 Between the smiles

 There's a trace of tears,

One day you'll understand

You'll understand

 There was once another child

A different child

 Who was also in their hopes and dreams

That child will never outgrow the baby clothes,

That child will never keep them up at night,

In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.

Except sometimes, in a silent moment,

When mother and father miss them so much

That different child.

May hope and love wrap your warmly

And may you learn the lesson forever.

How infinitely precious and fragile

Is this life on earth.

And how much more loved you are

Because your parents also loved

A different child. 

3 Years from Nicoda

Three years -- it sounds like a LONG time, yet I still remember how Nicoda felt kicking in my belly, how he he favored my right side (we know now he was stuck there - poor guy), remember the devesation of not hearing his heartbeat that last sonogram, the horror of leaving the cemetary, and the hopelessness of that first year. 

But three years is long enough for me to see how far God has brought me since then.  I miss Nicoda everyday.  I wonder what new phrases he'd be learning and if he'd like sports yet.  I like to imagine him making cute little friends and learning all about Jesus.   Yet the truth is so much more beautiful...he doesn't need to learn about Jesus - he is with Him.  He doesn't need to make friends or learn words because he is surrounded by a multiply of witnesses and was born singing praises to our Lord.  How beautiful!  Does that make me wish just a little less for 1 more hour or day....no, but it buoys my heart to know how blessed he is; how blessed he has made me; and how his little life has blessed others. 

This year his birthday is more bitter for me than the last two, I think because the first year I was still mired deep in my grief and the second year I was with my hubby.  This year Khalid is still having his early life crisis and I have the double grief of missing them both.  I spend alot of time wondering, hoping, praying that Cupcake will know (even only though words and pictures) his brother.  It is SO important for me to pass that down to him -- for him to know of Nicoda and to feel some connection there.

Mr. Nicoda -- You are so loved.  You have been since the moment I found out I was carrying you.  And no amount of time or distance has or will change that.  Can't wait til that day when I get to see you again!  -- Love, Mommy




 


Birthday of the Hubs

Well today is the birthday of my hubby -- wish it was a happy one, but it isn't for me.  I haven't heard from him in over a month and try to balance my worry over with him with the anger that he could just give up on Cupcake and I.  :(  I know that he needs medicine to really be "Khalid", but the rejection and the loneliness still hurt. 

God -- Please watch over my husband.  I take comfort in knowing that You know where he is and how he is doing.  Thank you for how much you love him and all of us.  Continue to grow and protect our little baby!  -- Amen 

2011 (last year's birthday)

 I love you, Khalid Jon.  Hope you see this and know that you are missed and needed! 

Santa Came Early!

Santa came early and he brought just what I asked for....

gDiapers!  :) 

 Aren't they just so small and cute!  Cupcake's little bottom will be covered in style.  :) 

And one photo of how big I am Cupcake is getting!  :)

The Joy and Stress of Life

Life is hard.  My life has been hard and then harder for quite awhile now.  I keep thinking it'll let up soon -- maybe next month, maybe next year -- but really it could be heaven.  My friend Heidi's husband doesn't really like songs that talk about wanting to go to heaven because he feels that we should be living in the present...I totally see his point, especially from a ministry stand point...but somedays all I can be joyful about is knowing heaven is my future. 

Blessings:

• Cupcake is a wiggler!  This does SOO much for my peace of mind to feel him move all around.
• my amazing, wonderful best friends Jacqueline and Heidi -- they let me vent, laugh, and cry! 
• people who love me and pray for me constantly....too many to name and how beautiful is that
• a free place to stay right now and my new part-time job
• a blessing of a mother who is helping me right now with my bills as they arise

Stresses:

• Khalid -- he still isn't on medication; isn't being there for me or Cupcake; causing lots of pain and just the unknowing of what is next for us -- for our marriage if he nevers chooses to be there.
• Worry -- I know we aren't supposed to worry, but I am still human right?  I worry everyday for this baby.  I cry before every dr appointment stressed that it'll be the appt they don't find his heartbeat.  I worry that if he does make it, that I won't be enough for him - emotionally and finanically.  I worry that it will just be too hard to be a single parent (if that is what God is planning)
• Housing -- still praying for an apt I can afford because I'll need to move before Cupcake comes

As I write them all down my blessings seem so many and yet they don't dominate my thoughts.  :(  Please continue to pray for our Mr. Cupcake -- that he does arrive safe and healthy.  That God would break Khalid and change his heart.  Prayers for my future and that I somehow start to trust God more and more with the uncertainitys of it.   Thank you! 

Halloween Fun

I am big fan of holidays for the sheer fun of them all -- and Halloween topping the cutest day of the year chart with all the kids dressed up!  I saw a baby dressed as a ketchup packet, a Kung Fu Panda, lots of cute princesses and bugs!  And more Mario/Lugi's than I have seen since the 80's - ha!   I got to go to the pumpkin patch with Chloe, Kaleah, and Jacqueline.  Made 'ghost' cookies with both Chloe and Zack.  Trunk or treated with Lynda and Sikes. Took Mr. Nicoda a couple of pumpkins.  Visited a nursing home with the cutest bumble bee and ladybug!  And passed out candy with the cutest pumpkin/skeleton Phil.  :) 

Bunnies!

Oh, you want me to look at the camera....how about right instead?  :) 

More hiding from the camera...

Chloe found corn in the pumpkin patch field -- it was free!

Kaleah -- I like to think that she is glaring at Jacqueline and thinking, 'really, Mom? it's 70 outside!' 

Lynda -- just a little excited with all the kids and the chance for candy!

Sikes cheering on their bouncing ladybug!

Ok, so she wasn't really bouncing -- but she sat and giggled a lot.  :)

Lynda had the hang of the bouncy house though. 

My favorite costume of the day...

Ghost car -- and the owners were dressed a Ghost Busters -- super cute!

Mr. Phil -- the classic stare and smile...right after the flash.  Ha! 

Nicoda's flowers and pumpkins!

22 Weeks

Well -- more than half done and I'm ready!  :)  Okay, so not ready persay as having everything ready, but ready in that my body just doesn't appreciate being pregnant.  Mr. Cupcake will help me forget all my pregnancy woes after he comes, I'm sure, but right now I have A.W.F.U.L. back aches and side pain.  But worse than my physical discomfort, was how emotional I got when I hit 20 weeks.  20 weeks is the crossover from a miscarriage to a stillbirth determination -- and a stillborn is buried.  I know that the actual weeks changing don't really change anything, but just the thought of Cupcake having to be buried is suffocating.  Not very positive thinking either...   But Praise God because He knows what we are thinking and going through and sends people to minster to use in that spot.  I go to a prenatal prayer group and last week one of the prayer partners told me something that really altered my thinking and stress.  She reminded me how much God loves this baby.  God is letting me take care of this child, but ultimately the child is still His.  She went on to talk about how all of our life experiences shape the cross we carry and mentioned that Nicoda dying and my pregnancy stress are part of my cross.  But the blessing is that our crosses mold us and better us.  I can't explain why it made me feel so much better, but am SO thankful that it did.  Nicoda dying, this pregnancy stress, none of it is too big for God to handle.  God can take my sorrow and turn it into joy -- He can bring new life and is bringing it right now. 

So sorry that you had to read all of that just to get to this one picture!  Ha!  I pray that God is blessing you today -- that you know that all the things in your life (good and bad) are shaping your testimony, your story of how God is using you.  Alles Gute!  Blessings!

Yeah for cropping, so that not everyone can see that
I have a baby bump in front and behind!  Ha!  :)