4 Years Away from my Nicoda

I was typing the title and thinking is it really 4 years AWAY from him or is it that I am 4 years closer to seeing him again.  Oh, I long to for that day!  If Nicoda dying has changed me at all, it is most seen in the my desire for heaven now!  I long to hold him and kiss his tiny little feet -- cause in my head he'll still be my baby.  He won't be the 4 year old that I wish he was....oh, to imagine what he would be like now.  But that is a dangerous road to walk down...the if's...so I won't.  

We had a decent day -- it was helped along by an excellent worship service, Baskin Robbins ice cream, and an unexpected visit in the Hy-Vee parking lot.  We got ready this morning and then Kyler stared at me funny as I cried my way through breakfast.  I just ached...probably because I was playing the what if game.  I miss Nicoda all the time, but his birthday is a deeper miss, a deeper wrench in my gut.  We headed to church and as I drove I made up 100 reasons why I should skip -- but I am so glad I didn't.  Our teens had just got back from the Passion Conference and they did a service about child trafficking ...it was powerful.  It took me above my grief.

  After church we headed to Hy-Vee to get flowers and balloons to take to Nicoda.  Side note -- Kyler fell asleep on the way and stayed asleep for two hours (the whole car trip and more) which is a huge blessing for today!  I had brought two bouquets (one for the grave and one to keep at home) and was walking out of the store.  A sweet lady asked me if it was a birthday...I told her yes and started to keep going, but she asked how old my child was turning. I turned back and explained that he WOULD BE turning 4 years old, but he passed away.  She teared up and asked if I was having a party anyways (the balloons were kinda ALOT).  She said that her son had passed away 49 years ago this month when he was 4 years old and she doesn't go to the gravesite.  She told me how it wasn't acceptable to grieve for so long then, people just told her to be grateful she had other kids, so she stiffened her lip and only went to the cemetery sporadically and secretly.  I was so glad to be able to talk with her -- to share some of my Mr. Nicoda and to hear some of her story.  I was also so glad to be able to give her my extra bouquet for her to take to her son or to keep.  In the store I kept telling myself not to waste the money on buying two -- BUT GOD WANTED ME TO HAVE THE EXTRA FLOWERS!  

The rest of the afternoon and day were low-key.  I got Baskin Robbins (a whole quart -- didn't eat it all though! ha!) and played with Kyler alot.  He was in a rare, snuggly mood and I am thankful for the extra hugs.  I know he can sense the tension in me, but was glad that it meant more hugs and not crying.  :)  He is a good boy!  

Mr. Nicoda -

I am so sorry that I spend so much time wishing you were here...I will try to be grateful and remember that each year is one more year that you have had in heaven.  Oh, I wonder what you are doing right now...singing, running, sitting with Jesus, or maybe they have baseball in heaven and the angels play with you.   hope that you can feel my love all the way up there.   So excited to hold you again one day -- soon and very soon!  

- Love always your mommy

Kyler wearing his
"My Big Brother is an Angel" shirt
made by the beautiful Emily Tandy! THANKS!

Beautiful, fun flowers from the Sikes....
kinda blessed to have Jac for a friend, don't you agree?  :) 

2013

Another year is here and I have felt called to make resolutions.  (My best friend is kinda a rock star and she just published what she did and didn't get done in 2012 -- ummm....her accomplishments were amazing especially when paired with a move, two toddlers, and a loss in her family.  WOW!  All that to say, my resolutions are pretty low-key.  ha!)   I have only done it really once before, but God really put it on my heart that I have alot to change and learn.  I am not sure what it is that God wants me to learn this year, but I will try to put myself in situations where I am open to Him.

So to start this year off, I am giving up drinking Dr. Pepper -- for the whole year.  I know -- this is very BIG for me.  But my reasoning is that if I want God to do something big in and/or for this year, I need to do something big as well, so bring on the Dr. Pepper Fast of 2013.

1. Read a non-fiction book each month. 
• Love and Logic
• Parenting with a Purpose
• Ambiguous Loss
• Breaking Free
• The Relentless God
• Heaven is Real
• Simply Christianity 
• + 5 more (open to suggestions!) 
2. Work out twice a week (min.) 
3. Do one thing outside of the house fun for/with Kyler (Monday's Mom not included) 
4. Spend two 10 minutes blocks of uninterrupted time EVERYDAY with Kyler.  (no computer, no phone, no cleaning, no other people)  Hoping to make one for play and one for reading. 
5.  Join a Bible study at church. 
6. Budget, rebudget, and learn to cut more corners (I admit I am already really cheap! ha!) to try and sponsor another World Vision tike.  Have one little Mr. with Nicoda's birthday, but want to have one with Kyler's as well.  
7. Be missional with my neighbors.
• pray for them
• do or make something nice each holiday
• have them over to dinner or games at least 4x this year.  (more would AWESOME!)

And that's all.  Not as detailed as some -- but they are there and hopefully they will help guide me to be being a better mom, Christian, and just plain better ME!  :)  

10 Months - My Double Digit Baby!

"A glad heart makes a cheerful face..."  - Proverbs 15:13 

This sweet boy just continues to grow in my heart!  His smile keeps getting bigger and bigger each month too -- guess I should call it a grin.  :)  He loves having an audience, loves other kids, loves climbing stairs, to be held upside down, and is starting to crawl to me just for snuggles (YES!!!)!   I love watching his personality develop.  He is a definite hot/cold child.  He is either really happy or seriously ticked off -- usually because of the car seat or tired.  He knows what he wants now and will try, try, try to get it.  If the baby gate isn't put off, he is off like a rocket.  If something is blocking him, he pulls and pushes to get it out of the way.  And a new favorite game for him is to empty the entire bookshelf of its books and then sit in the middle to read.   WHAT A CUTIE!  

Stats: 

18 lbs 

30 inches

Development: 

• stand up all on your own (no furniture help)
• go after or look for toy when it drops or disappears
• play peekaboo
• give high 5's
• clap hands to music
• use your pincher fingers to pick up toys and snacks
• walk holding onto furniture or toys -- not interested in walking holding onto hands at all though!  
• climb stairs
• understand no (meaning you either cry when you hear it and stop or just hesitate before continuing - ha!)
• drink from a sippy cup or a water bottle
• talk and babble alot in gibberish (no distinguishable words yet) 
• loves to sing along in the car seat, in his crib, at church!
• has 4 teeth -- two on top (one popped through exactly at 10 mo) and 2 on bottom.  
• favorite foods right now: oranges, oranges, and more oranges
• favorite toy - anything that makes noise when hit or banged on.  

Kylerisms: 

• you got a Christmas train a one of your gifts and you are TERRIFIED of it when it moves -- similar to the vacuum.  But if you see it and it isn't turned on, you go up to it and knock it over!  Ha!
• When your first snow arrrived (and it snowed Nana in for another day), we took you out for a walk and play time.  Outside the house, I put you down in the snow, so you could feel it.  You looked up at me horrified, glanced over at Nana standing in the house, and made a beeline for the inside.  Guess you're not a fan of the cold....  :) 
• you still sing with me at night when you go to sleep, but you also sing to your animals and along with the radio in the car now.  PRECIOUS!  
• slept with Mommy for one of the first times when Nana was visiting and it was sweet.  You were fussing, so I put you on the air mattress with me and you just bounced on it for a few seconds, snuggled up on the pillow and went back to sleep.  Then when Nana had left I put you on my bed one morning, you tried to bounce and nothing happened.  You got the most quizzical look on your face -- like maybe Mommy's bed is broke.  :) 
• started walking with your walking toy while Nana and Aunt Missy were watching you -- then I got home and saw it and was so excited.  They didn't know it was a new thing for you!  

Firsts: 

Thanksgiving

Walking across room with toy

Christmas - not interested in wrapped presents, but yea! for new toys!  :) 

First time to see Santa - classic baby screaming photo

First time to deliver meals - you loved all the new friends to make at each door

SNOW!!!

First overnight without Mommy -- you did great at the babysitter's, but were wound up when i picked you up and mommy was TIRED (i worked an overnight shift).