Not sure that is a word, but I have been thinking a lot lately about how much harder marriage is than I thought it would. Although Khalid and I have been married for TWO YEARS now (our anniversary was this month) I still feel as if we are newlyweds because we have only lived together for 6 months. Before we got married I remember all the numerous talks we had after I would read websites about what we should talk about before getting married. HA! Yeah -- those talks didn't really prepare us for how to deal with all those issues when you are mad and the other person is stuck in the same apartment with you because oh, yeah you're married now. :-)
I the websites dealt a lot with money, in-laws, sex, and chores. Well sadly for Khalid, I do not have in-laws so no trouble there. Sex has never been a problem for us. I am a stay at home wife, so chores aren't a problem (Khalid takes out the trash and does the heavy lifting). And I love cooking -- although Khalid makes great rice and french fries, so I leave those to him). But the three things we struggle the most with are money (he grew up rich, i didn't), cultural differences, and his bipolar.
Money, ugh! We just view money different -- how we spend it, how we save it, how we give it away. Growing up with a mom who would drive to 5 different stores to get the sales might have annoyed some -- like my sister -- but I grew to love it and see it as a challenge. I do not mind going to out of my way to save even $.50 if I have the time. When I was in America I loved cutting coupons and trying to search out sales + coupons for the ultimate deal. I once even spent almost a hour at a Wal-Green's checkout -- but I spent $19 and saved $50ish. Yet my wonderful husband is more of a one store shop kinda guy and he has no idea about saving. If we have $200 and need $130 for bills -- he's mind doesn't automatically say we only have $70 left. But we are working on it. :-) I write all the money down on an Excel spreadsheet, so he can see it all laid out and I can have the peace of mind that everything is getting paid. And he is learning about sales -- just the other day he came home with bananas because he saw they had a 1\2 price sticker on them. Bless him.
Multicultural differences. I thought when we were dating, we had a lot of these ironed out. But alas, our cultures rear their ugly heads and cause a lot of disagreements. Incase you don't know -- I am Mid-Western American Christian and Khalid grew up an Eastern Europe Muslim (all different types of cultures make him up). Maybe you think it is weird that I put our religions in there, but I feel that churches and religion greatly influence the culture we grow up in. Khalid has a bad habit of watching American movies and generalizing his ideas about Americans after that -- makes me so angry. I have a bad habit of yelling when I get angry which for him is unheard of -- he gets really angry. And we have both had to make a lot of compromises. It is hard for him to understand hugging at church -- he would prefer me to limit my contact with others to brief handshakes, but he just tightens his jaw and realizes that a hug is important to others. It is hard for me to understand why his friends refuse to talk to me, unless he acknowledges me first, but I just take a deep breath and remember that it is because they have respect for Khalid that they do this. Praise God! that we are able to realize our differences and respect those differences. I also praise God that we are now of the same religion. It helps both of us to remember that we need to molding our lives after Jesus -- not trying to win a battle of cultural wills. Our different cultures also allow both us to some extra joys too.... I want to stay at home and in his cultural this is a given....so WIN! He likes PDA -- and it isn't taboo in my culture...so WIN! (and by PDA i mean holding hands, arm around each other -- not the gross get a room stuff. HA!)
Bipolar -- this is probably our biggest struggle and if I am honest, will continue to be our biggest struggle throughout our marriage. Khalid destests taking his medicines at times which isn't an option, so problem number one. problem number 2 is that I have a hard time discerning what is him being bipolar and what is him being a punk. I think sometimes I excuse too much of his behavior because of his diagnosis and sometimes I nitpick things that are out of his control. He is seeing a new doctor (which happened after I moved here)who is a godsend!, so things are looking more positive right now but it is all a cycle.
Lastly on a positive note -- I love my husband more than anyone and am continually amazed at how strong our love is. We have already weathered losing a child and being away from each other and I know we are both stronger because of it. The last 6 months have been wonderful for my anxiety and for me to continue healing from Nicoda's death. I love how much Khalid loves and misses Mr. Nicoda. I love having him near to cuddle whenever I want! I love that someone is always here to hold me when I cry now! I love that I have someone to cook for! And I know he loves having someone to cook for him. Ha!
Thank you to all the wonderful marriages out there -- thank you for your examples in commitment, your honesty about struggles, and your openness about the joys of your marriage. May God bless all our marriages!
