Santa came early and he brought just what I asked for....
gDiapers! :)
Aren't they just so small and cute! Cupcake's little bottom will be covered in style. :)
And one photo of how big I am Cupcake is getting! :)
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Friday, December 2, 2011
The Joy and Stress of Life
Life is hard. My life has been hard and then harder for quite awhile now. I keep thinking it'll let up soon -- maybe next month, maybe next year -- but really it could be heaven. My friend Heidi's husband doesn't really like songs that talk about wanting to go to heaven because he feels that we should be living in the present...I totally see his point, especially from a ministry stand point...but somedays all I can be joyful about is knowing heaven is my future.
Blessings:
As I write them all down my blessings seem so many and yet they don't dominate my thoughts. :( Please continue to pray for our Mr. Cupcake -- that he does arrive safe and healthy. That God would break Khalid and change his heart. Prayers for my future and that I somehow start to trust God more and more with the uncertainitys of it. Thank you!
Blessings:
- Cupcake is a wiggler! This does SOO much for my peace of mind to feel him move all around.
- my amazing, wonderful best friends Jacqueline and Heidi -- they let me vent, laugh, and cry!
- people who love me and pray for me constantly....too many to name and how beautiful is that
- a free place to stay right now and my new part-time job
- a blessing of a mother who is helping me right now with my bills as they arise
- Khalid -- he still isn't on medication; isn't being there for me or Cupcake; causing lots of pain and just the unknowing of what is next for us -- for our marriage if he nevers chooses to be there.
- Worry -- I know we aren't supposed to worry, but I am still human right? I worry everyday for this baby. I cry before every dr appointment stressed that it'll be the appt they don't find his heartbeat. I worry that if he does make it, that I won't be enough for him - emotionally and finanically. I worry that it will just be too hard to be a single parent (if that is what God is planning)
- Housing -- still praying for an apt I can afford because I'll need to move before Cupcake comes
As I write them all down my blessings seem so many and yet they don't dominate my thoughts. :( Please continue to pray for our Mr. Cupcake -- that he does arrive safe and healthy. That God would break Khalid and change his heart. Prayers for my future and that I somehow start to trust God more and more with the uncertainitys of it. Thank you!
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Halloween Fun
I am big fan of holidays for the sheer fun of them all -- and Halloween topping the cutest day of the year chart with all the kids dressed up! I saw a baby dressed as a ketchup packet, a Kung Fu Panda, lots of cute princesses and bugs! And more Mario/Lugi's than I have seen since the 80's - ha! I got to go to the pumpkin patch with Chloe, Kaleah, and Jacqueline. Made 'ghost' cookies with both Chloe and Zack. Trunk or treated with Lynda and Sikes. Took Mr. Nicoda a couple of pumpkins. Visited a nursing home with the cutest bumble bee and ladybug! And passed out candy with the cutest pumpkin/skeleton Phil. :)
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| Bunnies! |
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| Oh, you want me to look at the camera....how about right instead? :) |
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| More hiding from the camera... |
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| Chloe found corn in the pumpkin patch field -- it was free! |
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| Kaleah -- I like to think that she is glaring at Jacqueline and thinking, 'really, Mom? it's 70 outside!' |
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| Lynda -- just a little excited with all the kids and the chance for candy! |
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| Sikes cheering on their bouncing ladybug! |
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| Ok, so she wasn't really bouncing -- but she sat and giggled a lot. :) |
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| Lynda had the hang of the bouncy house though. |
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| My favorite costume of the day... |
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| Ghost car -- and the owners were dressed a Ghost Busters -- super cute! |
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| Mr. Phil -- the classic stare and smile...right after the flash. Ha! |
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| Nicoda's flowers and pumpkins! |
22 Weeks
Well -- more than half done and I'm ready! :) Okay, so not ready persay as having everything ready, but ready in that my body just doesn't appreciate being pregnant. Mr. Cupcake will help me forget all my pregnancy woes after he comes, I'm sure, but right now I have A.W.F.U.L. back aches and side pain. But worse than my physical discomfort, was how emotional I got when I hit 20 weeks. 20 weeks is the crossover from a miscarriage to a stillbirth determination -- and a stillborn is buried. I know that the actual weeks changing don't really change anything, but just the thought of Cupcake having to be buried is suffocating. Not very positive thinking either... But Praise God because He knows what we are thinking and going through and sends people to minster to use in that spot. I go to a prenatal prayer group and last week one of the prayer partners told me something that really altered my thinking and stress. She reminded me how much God loves this baby. God is letting me take care of this child, but ultimately the child is still His. She went on to talk about how all of our life experiences shape the cross we carry and mentioned that Nicoda dying and my pregnancy stress are part of my cross. But the blessing is that our crosses mold us and better us. I can't explain why it made me feel so much better, but am SO thankful that it did. Nicoda dying, this pregnancy stress, none of it is too big for God to handle. God can take my sorrow and turn it into joy -- He can bring new life and is bringing it right now.
So sorry that you had to read all of that just to get to this one picture! Ha! I pray that God is blessing you today -- that you know that all the things in your life (good and bad) are shaping your testimony, your story of how God is using you. Alles Gute! Blessings!
So sorry that you had to read all of that just to get to this one picture! Ha! I pray that God is blessing you today -- that you know that all the things in your life (good and bad) are shaping your testimony, your story of how God is using you. Alles Gute! Blessings!
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| Yeah for cropping, so that not everyone can see that I have a baby bump in front and behind! Ha! :) |
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Memorial Day
Wow -- that's a long title. :)
This was my third time to get to participate in a memorial activity for babies that have died. I still remember and loved the balloon release the 1st year after Nicoda died. Last year in Austria, Khalid and I celebrated by lighting a whole row of candles for lost babies at a local catherdral. This year I went to a candlelighting on the Plaza, besides lighting my own candles at home. I wish that I didn't know so many names of babies that are in heaven, but at the same time love the lyric from an infant loss song that says 'heaven is all you'll ever know'. How amazing is that for those little souls.
At the candlelighting ceremony, I cried naturally and I got teary for a different reason than just missing my babies as well. I saw a family of 5 walking up and all of the family was wearing matching t-shirts. The parents said 'Mommy/Daddy to an Angel' and the 3 boys had 'Big Brother to an Angel'. It was SO precious and it made me sad that Cupcake won't really know our Mr. Nicoda like those boys got to know their sister. I have a stuffed animal, a baby book, and we'll talk about Nicoda with him, but he won't have his own memories... :(
This was my third time to get to participate in a memorial activity for babies that have died. I still remember and loved the balloon release the 1st year after Nicoda died. Last year in Austria, Khalid and I celebrated by lighting a whole row of candles for lost babies at a local catherdral. This year I went to a candlelighting on the Plaza, besides lighting my own candles at home. I wish that I didn't know so many names of babies that are in heaven, but at the same time love the lyric from an infant loss song that says 'heaven is all you'll ever know'. How amazing is that for those little souls.
At the candlelighting ceremony, I cried naturally and I got teary for a different reason than just missing my babies as well. I saw a family of 5 walking up and all of the family was wearing matching t-shirts. The parents said 'Mommy/Daddy to an Angel' and the 3 boys had 'Big Brother to an Angel'. It was SO precious and it made me sad that Cupcake won't really know our Mr. Nicoda like those boys got to know their sister. I have a stuffed animal, a baby book, and we'll talk about Nicoda with him, but he won't have his own memories... :(
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| The bag from the candlelighting with Nicoda's 'funeral flowers' candle |
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| At the fountain |
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| So many names! |
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| Listening a beautiful song by Watermark |
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| Candles lit for Maggie, Gracie, Thomas, Opal, Levi, Faith, and SO MANY MORE! |
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011
Cupcake...Pink or Blue?
The votes are in and the jury has decided -- BLUE!!!
Thank God for such a wonderful report on Cupcake's health today! :)
I was honestly shocked at how emotional I was during the sonogram and finding out the gender. The sonogram wasn't anything like with Nicoda -- different people attending, different size baby -- but the dr kept talking about how healthy and normal Cupcake looks and I could barely hold back the tears. That reassurance that everything was fine was what I banked on with Nicoda and it does nothing to hold back my fears for Cupcake. Nicoda was healthy and normal -- said the drs from sono to autospy. Ugh! I hated that both joy and fear were battling in my head when there should be no battle at all.. Although I won't lie -- I cried after Nicoda's sonogram too just from awe at him. :) Then I got to talk with Khalid and I opened the final picture that shows Cupcake and the phrase "It's a BOY!" and I lost it for a minute and it shocked me. I truly wanted just a healthy baby, but mentally was leaning towards boy. And now I have written this next sentence like 10x, but nothing I type makes sense or is truly what I was feeling at that moment. It wasn't deja vu, but just the fear that it could turn into it... So in all the hub-bub of falling in love with my healthy baby boy, of the excitment of picking out names, and the natural progression to start thinking of what sport he might play - I need prayers. Prayers that I can learn more and more how to truly give this baby over to God -- his birth, his life, and my worries and fears for him.
A mother's joy begins when new life is stirring inside... when a tiny heartbeat is heard for the very first time, and a playful kick reminds her that she is never alone.
Thank God for such a wonderful report on Cupcake's health today! :)
I was honestly shocked at how emotional I was during the sonogram and finding out the gender. The sonogram wasn't anything like with Nicoda -- different people attending, different size baby -- but the dr kept talking about how healthy and normal Cupcake looks and I could barely hold back the tears. That reassurance that everything was fine was what I banked on with Nicoda and it does nothing to hold back my fears for Cupcake. Nicoda was healthy and normal -- said the drs from sono to autospy. Ugh! I hated that both joy and fear were battling in my head when there should be no battle at all.. Although I won't lie -- I cried after Nicoda's sonogram too just from awe at him. :) Then I got to talk with Khalid and I opened the final picture that shows Cupcake and the phrase "It's a BOY!" and I lost it for a minute and it shocked me. I truly wanted just a healthy baby, but mentally was leaning towards boy. And now I have written this next sentence like 10x, but nothing I type makes sense or is truly what I was feeling at that moment. It wasn't deja vu, but just the fear that it could turn into it... So in all the hub-bub of falling in love with my healthy baby boy, of the excitment of picking out names, and the natural progression to start thinking of what sport he might play - I need prayers. Prayers that I can learn more and more how to truly give this baby over to God -- his birth, his life, and my worries and fears for him.
A mother's joy begins when new life is stirring inside... when a tiny heartbeat is heard for the very first time, and a playful kick reminds her that she is never alone.
Monday, August 29, 2011
The Gift of Life
Today I am struck with ho w thegift of life is such a blessing! Three years ago now, I was pregnant with Mr. Nicoda and on the top of the world -- not fully realizing what a blessing I was carrying inside of me. Then when Nicoda died, I felt so alone and didn't know anyone (close to me) that had experienced such a loss. But now I can look back and forward and see so many people who have been given the joy and trial of loving a child that goes to heaven too early. Being pregnant right now makes me ache alot of Nicoda -- but it reminds that God can make all things new. So I praise Him for His wonderful plan...I praise him for Nicoda, Malekah and Brenden, Gracie, Holden, Maggie, Faith, Chase, Levi, Opal, Thomas -- babies I know are in heaven living it up. And I praise him for Chloe, Kaleah, Jeremiah, Lily, Piper, Olivia, Nora, Aiden, Cora, Logan and SOOO many more babies that we get to enjoy here on Earth. Praise God for the gift of life!
Friday, August 19, 2011
Cupcake at 11 Weeks!
We got a good report at the sono appointment...growing steadily and no concerns yet! Cupcake was just kicked back and relaxing during the ultrasound -- legs up and feet crossed -- so cute! Would love prayers that this continues and (that minus the morning sickness) I have a nice, boring 40 week pregnancy. :)
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Anniversary Trip to Croatia
This year to celebrate our anniversay (#3) we drove to Croatia -- a small country in South European, near Italy. It was B.E.A.utifil! :) I might be slighty biased because I had such a great time with my handsome husband and also because I LOVED being by the water. I grew up in a landlocked state, live now in landlocked country and pretty much didn't think much about the ocean -- but it drew me in this time. So peaceful to watch the waves crash on the rocks and to look out and see only water for miles....ahhh! :-)
On our drive down to Croatia, we stopped in Postjana, Sloveina to see a castle. This castle was probably the coolest thing we saw on our whole trip. It was built into caves that were already there and then generations later, they built a castle onto/in front of the caves. The caves that serve as walls for the back of the castle actually go 8 km deep and come up at the nearby town. Incredible! They had a weapons room, ancient kitchen, dungeon (which i hated!) with an actual rack for pulling people (again ugh!), itty bitty beds that would be luxury at the time, and so many other cool features.
Our hotel was in Opatija, Croatia and is mostly a tourist town because of its year-round temperate climate. All our meals were included (which was nice!) and drinks as well -- except for water. Weird, huh? You could have unlimited wine, soda, and beer, but a water cost $3.80. We were just two blocks away from the shore of the Adriatic Sea. We took a walking tour of the town at night and treated ourselves to some ice cream as well. :-) (I know you're thinking, Stacia and ice cream!?! - ha!) There was a tree park there that had over 500 different trees from all around the world -- we were walking by and Khalid stopped and said that he remembered that tree from Pakistan. I laughed, not believing him, but sure enough we found a sign saying that tree was from Pakistan. Impressive memory for someone that has trouble remembering what we had a for dinner last week.
One day we took a day trip to Pula, Croatia (which is a southern tip of Croatia and about two hours by boat from Venice). They have an ampitheatre/colosseum just like in Rome....and I mean just like in Rome (minus the floor panels). It was very impressive and is in much better condition than the one in Rome (albit smaller). We went to the 'beach' there as well, but I guess it is called the coast because it was only rocks and no sand -- beautiful no matter what the name.
Another noteworthy side trip was to Hum, Croatia -- the smallest town in the WHOLE WORLD! I think must be pretty cool to have that title. The orginal town walls are still standing from the 13th century and 17 people live inside them. It was pretty far off the beaten path and up a few narrow mountain roads which only made it all the more impressive. :-)
We also went to a town named Rijeka nearby -- but it wasn't as impressive = not so many photos. The wonderful thing about that town was that they had a MEXICAN RESTURANT!!! And it was the best Mexican that I have ever had in Europe -- yeah! :-) All in all we had a B.L.A.S.T. It was fun to get away, to spend some quality time together, and to learn about another country. Thanks God for the blessing of the trip and for our three years together!
On our drive down to Croatia, we stopped in Postjana, Sloveina to see a castle. This castle was probably the coolest thing we saw on our whole trip. It was built into caves that were already there and then generations later, they built a castle onto/in front of the caves. The caves that serve as walls for the back of the castle actually go 8 km deep and come up at the nearby town. Incredible! They had a weapons room, ancient kitchen, dungeon (which i hated!) with an actual rack for pulling people (again ugh!), itty bitty beds that would be luxury at the time, and so many other cool features.
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| The castle -- the cave at the top was the orignal shelter |
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| An opening where they would dump hot oil on intruders...ouch! |
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| Old cannonballs! |
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| Khalid says the sword probably weighed like 20 kilos (45 lbs)!!! |
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| Stairs to different floors |
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| What good is a castle if you can't pray!?! :) |
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| Small hold -- tour guide didn't know what for |
Our hotel was in Opatija, Croatia and is mostly a tourist town because of its year-round temperate climate. All our meals were included (which was nice!) and drinks as well -- except for water. Weird, huh? You could have unlimited wine, soda, and beer, but a water cost $3.80. We were just two blocks away from the shore of the Adriatic Sea. We took a walking tour of the town at night and treated ourselves to some ice cream as well. :-) (I know you're thinking, Stacia and ice cream!?! - ha!) There was a tree park there that had over 500 different trees from all around the world -- we were walking by and Khalid stopped and said that he remembered that tree from Pakistan. I laughed, not believing him, but sure enough we found a sign saying that tree was from Pakistan. Impressive memory for someone that has trouble remembering what we had a for dinner last week.
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| Our hotel -- the Hotel Opatija (original name, huh?) |
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| The gardens |
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| Taking a look-see around |
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| Our ice cream! :) |
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| Beach by our hotel |
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| Mr. Giraffe liked the water too (water is so crystal clear behind him!) |
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| Roman Ampitheatre |
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| Cheese! |
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| Enjoying the gorgeous blue, green water |
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| We spent some time worshipping God for His creation! I just kept thinking (and singing) How Great Is Our God!!! |
Another noteworthy side trip was to Hum, Croatia -- the smallest town in the WHOLE WORLD! I think must be pretty cool to have that title. The orginal town walls are still standing from the 13th century and 17 people live inside them. It was pretty far off the beaten path and up a few narrow mountain roads which only made it all the more impressive. :-)
We also went to a town named Rijeka nearby -- but it wasn't as impressive = not so many photos. The wonderful thing about that town was that they had a MEXICAN RESTURANT!!! And it was the best Mexican that I have ever had in Europe -- yeah! :-) All in all we had a B.L.A.S.T. It was fun to get away, to spend some quality time together, and to learn about another country. Thanks God for the blessing of the trip and for our three years together!
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