Pregnancy and Infant Loss Memorial Day

Wow -- that's a long title.  :)

This was my third time to get to participate in a memorial activity for babies that have died.  I still remember and loved the balloon release the 1st year after Nicoda died.  Last year in Austria, Khalid and I celebrated by lighting a whole row of candles for lost babies at a local catherdral.  This year I went to a candlelighting on the Plaza, besides lighting my own candles at home.  I wish that I didn't know so many names of babies that are in heaven, but at the same time love the lyric from an infant loss song that says 'heaven is all you'll ever know'.  How amazing is that for those little souls. 

At the candlelighting ceremony, I cried naturally and I got teary for a different reason than just missing my babies as well.  I saw a family of 5 walking up and all of the family was wearing matching t-shirts.  The parents said 'Mommy/Daddy to an Angel' and the 3 boys had 'Big Brother to an Angel'.  It was SO precious and it made me sad that Cupcake won't really know our Mr. Nicoda like those boys got to know their sister.  I have a stuffed animal, a baby book, and we'll talk about Nicoda with him, but he won't have his own memories...  :(  

The bag from the candlelighting with Nicoda's 'funeral flowers' candle

At the fountain

So many names!

Listening a beautiful song by Watermark

Candles lit for Maggie, Gracie, Thomas, Opal, Levi, Faith, and SO MANY MORE!

Cupcake's Photos and 4 Months

Cupcake...Pink or Blue?

The votes are in and the jury has decided -- BLUE!!! 
Thank God for such a wonderful report on Cupcake's health today!  :)

I was honestly shocked at how emotional I was during the sonogram and finding out the gender.  The sonogram wasn't anything like with Nicoda -- different people attending, different size baby -- but the dr kept talking about how healthy and normal Cupcake looks and I could barely hold back the tears.  That reassurance that everything was fine was what I banked on with Nicoda and it does nothing to hold back my fears for Cupcake.  Nicoda was healthy and normal -- said the drs from sono to autospy.  Ugh!  I hated that both joy and fear were battling in my head when there should be no battle at all..  Although I won't lie -- I cried after Nicoda's sonogram too just from awe at him.  :)  Then I got to talk with Khalid and I opened the final picture that shows Cupcake and the phrase "It's a BOY!" and I lost it for a minute and it shocked me.  I truly wanted just a healthy baby, but mentally was leaning towards boy.  And now I have written this next sentence like 10x, but nothing I type makes sense or is truly what I was feeling at that moment.  It wasn't deja vu, but just the fear that it could turn into it...  So in all the hub-bub of falling in love with my healthy baby boy, of the excitment of picking out names, and the natural progression to start thinking of what sport he might play - I need prayers.  Prayers that I can learn more and more how to truly give this baby over to God -- his birth, his life, and my worries and fears for him.  

A mother's joy begins when new life is stirring inside... when a tiny heartbeat is heard for the very first time, and a playful kick reminds her that she is never alone.