4 Years Away from my Nicoda

I was typing the title and thinking is it really 4 years AWAY from him or is it that I am 4 years closer to seeing him again.  Oh, I long to for that day!  If Nicoda dying has changed me at all, it is most seen in the my desire for heaven now!  I long to hold him and kiss his tiny little feet -- cause in my head he'll still be my baby.  He won't be the 4 year old that I wish he was....oh, to imagine what he would be like now.  But that is a dangerous road to walk down...the if's...so I won't.  

We had a decent day -- it was helped along by an excellent worship service, Baskin Robbins ice cream, and an unexpected visit in the Hy-Vee parking lot.  We got ready this morning and then Kyler stared at me funny as I cried my way through breakfast.  I just ached...probably because I was playing the what if game.  I miss Nicoda all the time, but his birthday is a deeper miss, a deeper wrench in my gut.  We headed to church and as I drove I made up 100 reasons why I should skip -- but I am so glad I didn't.  Our teens had just got back from the Passion Conference and they did a service about child trafficking ...it was powerful.  It took me above my grief.

  After church we headed to Hy-Vee to get flowers and balloons to take to Nicoda.  Side note -- Kyler fell asleep on the way and stayed asleep for two hours (the whole car trip and more) which is a huge blessing for today!  I had brought two bouquets (one for the grave and one to keep at home) and was walking out of the store.  A sweet lady asked me if it was a birthday...I told her yes and started to keep going, but she asked how old my child was turning. I turned back and explained that he WOULD BE turning 4 years old, but he passed away.  She teared up and asked if I was having a party anyways (the balloons were kinda ALOT).  She said that her son had passed away 49 years ago this month when he was 4 years old and she doesn't go to the gravesite.  She told me how it wasn't acceptable to grieve for so long then, people just told her to be grateful she had other kids, so she stiffened her lip and only went to the cemetery sporadically and secretly.  I was so glad to be able to talk with her -- to share some of my Mr. Nicoda and to hear some of her story.  I was also so glad to be able to give her my extra bouquet for her to take to her son or to keep.  In the store I kept telling myself not to waste the money on buying two -- BUT GOD WANTED ME TO HAVE THE EXTRA FLOWERS!  

The rest of the afternoon and day were low-key.  I got Baskin Robbins (a whole quart -- didn't eat it all though! ha!) and played with Kyler alot.  He was in a rare, snuggly mood and I am thankful for the extra hugs.  I know he can sense the tension in me, but was glad that it meant more hugs and not crying.  :)  He is a good boy!  

Mr. Nicoda -

I am so sorry that I spend so much time wishing you were here...I will try to be grateful and remember that each year is one more year that you have had in heaven.  Oh, I wonder what you are doing right now...singing, running, sitting with Jesus, or maybe they have baseball in heaven and the angels play with you.   hope that you can feel my love all the way up there.   So excited to hold you again one day -- soon and very soon!  

- Love always your mommy

Kyler wearing his
"My Big Brother is an Angel" shirt
made by the beautiful Emily Tandy! THANKS!

Beautiful, fun flowers from the Sikes....
kinda blessed to have Jac for a friend, don't you agree?  :)