Cupcake...Pink or Blue?

The votes are in and the jury has decided -- BLUE!!! 
Thank God for such a wonderful report on Cupcake's health today!  :)

I was honestly shocked at how emotional I was during the sonogram and finding out the gender.  The sonogram wasn't anything like with Nicoda -- different people attending, different size baby -- but the dr kept talking about how healthy and normal Cupcake looks and I could barely hold back the tears.  That reassurance that everything was fine was what I banked on with Nicoda and it does nothing to hold back my fears for Cupcake.  Nicoda was healthy and normal -- said the drs from sono to autospy.  Ugh!  I hated that both joy and fear were battling in my head when there should be no battle at all..  Although I won't lie -- I cried after Nicoda's sonogram too just from awe at him.  :)  Then I got to talk with Khalid and I opened the final picture that shows Cupcake and the phrase "It's a BOY!" and I lost it for a minute and it shocked me.  I truly wanted just a healthy baby, but mentally was leaning towards boy.  And now I have written this next sentence like 10x, but nothing I type makes sense or is truly what I was feeling at that moment.  It wasn't deja vu, but just the fear that it could turn into it...  So in all the hub-bub of falling in love with my healthy baby boy, of the excitment of picking out names, and the natural progression to start thinking of what sport he might play - I need prayers.  Prayers that I can learn more and more how to truly give this baby over to God -- his birth, his life, and my worries and fears for him.  

A mother's joy begins when new life is stirring inside... when a tiny heartbeat is heard for the very first time, and a playful kick reminds her that she is never alone.

The Gift of Life

Today I am struck with ho w thegift of life is such a blessing!  Three years ago now, I was pregnant with Mr. Nicoda and on the top of the world -- not fully realizing what a blessing I was carrying inside of me.  Then when Nicoda died, I felt so alone and didn't know anyone (close to me) that had experienced such a loss.  But now I can look back and forward and see so many people who have been given the joy and trial of loving a child that goes to heaven too early.  Being pregnant right now makes me ache alot of Nicoda -- but it reminds that God can make all things new.  So I praise Him for His wonderful plan...I praise him for Nicoda, Malekah and Brenden, Gracie, Holden, Maggie, Faith, Chase, Levi, Opal, Thomas -- babies I know are in heaven living it up.  And I praise him for Chloe, Kaleah, Jeremiah, Lily, Piper, Olivia, Nora, Aiden, Cora, Logan and SOOO many more babies that we get to enjoy here on Earth.  Praise God for the gift of life! 

Cupcake at 11 Weeks!

We got a good report at the sono appointment...growing steadily and no concerns yet!  Cupcake was just kicked back and relaxing during the ultrasound -- legs up and feet crossed -- so cute!  Would love prayers that this continues and (that minus the morning sickness) I have a nice, boring 40 week pregnancy.  :) 

Anniversary Trip to Croatia

This year to celebrate our anniversay (#3) we drove to Croatia -- a small country in South European, near Italy.  It was B.E.A.utifil!  :)  I might be slighty biased because I had such a great time with my handsome husband and also because I LOVED being by the water.  I grew up in a landlocked state, live now in landlocked country and pretty much didn't think much about the ocean -- but it drew me in this time.  So peaceful to watch the waves crash on the rocks and to look out and see only water for miles....ahhh!  :-) 

On our drive down to Croatia, we stopped in Postjana, Sloveina to see a castle.  This castle was probably the coolest thing we saw on our whole trip.  It was built into caves that were already there and then generations later, they built a castle onto/in front of the caves.  The caves that serve as walls for the back of the castle actually go 8 km deep and come up at the nearby town.  Incredible!  They had a weapons room, ancient kitchen, dungeon (which i hated!) with an actual rack for pulling people (again ugh!), itty bitty beds that would be luxury at the time, and so many other cool features. 

The castle -- the cave at the top was the orignal shelter

An opening where they would dump hot oil on intruders...ouch!

Old cannonballs! 

Khalid says the sword probably weighed like 20 kilos (45 lbs)!!!

Stairs to different floors

What good is a castle if you can't pray!?!  :)

Small hold -- tour guide didn't know what for 

Our hotel was in Opatija, Croatia and is mostly a tourist town because of its year-round temperate climate.  All our meals were included (which was nice!) and drinks as well -- except for water.  Weird, huh?  You could have unlimited wine, soda, and beer, but a water cost $3.80.   We were just two blocks away from the shore of the Adriatic Sea.  We took a walking tour of the town at night and treated ourselves to some ice cream as well.  :-)  (I know you're thinking, Stacia and ice cream!?! - ha!)  There was a tree park there that had over 500 different trees from all around the world -- we were walking by and Khalid stopped and said that he remembered that tree from Pakistan.  I laughed, not believing him, but sure enough we found a sign saying that tree was from Pakistan.  Impressive memory for someone that has trouble remembering what we had a for dinner last week.  

Our hotel -- the Hotel Opatija (original name, huh?)

The gardens

Taking a look-see around



Our ice cream!  :)

 One day we took a day trip to Pula, Croatia (which is a southern tip of Croatia and about two hours by boat from Venice).  They have an ampitheatre/colosseum just like in Rome....and I mean just like in Rome (minus the floor panels).  It was very impressive and is in much better condition than the one in Rome (albit smaller).  We went to the 'beach' there as well, but I guess it is called the coast because it was only rocks and no sand -- beautiful no matter what the name. 

Beach by our hotel

Mr. Giraffe liked the water too (water is so crystal clear behind him!)

Roman Ampitheatre

Cheese!

Enjoying the gorgeous blue, green water



We spent some time worshipping God for His creation!  I just kept thinking (and singing) How Great Is Our God!!!

Another noteworthy side trip was to Hum, Croatia -- the smallest town in the WHOLE WORLD!  I think must be pretty cool to have that title.  The orginal town walls are still standing from the 13th century and 17 people live inside them.  It was pretty far off the beaten path and up a few narrow mountain roads which only made it all the more impressive.  :-)  

We also went to a town named Rijeka nearby -- but it wasn't as impressive = not so many photos.  The wonderful thing about that town was that they had a MEXICAN RESTURANT!!!  And it was the best Mexican that I have ever had in Europe -- yeah!  :-)    All in all we had a B.L.A.S.T.   It was fun to get away, to spend some quality time together, and to learn about another country.  Thanks God for the blessing of the trip and for our three years together! 

The Other Side of Mother's Day

"Mother's Day is rapidly approaching, and mothers everywhere have either made plans to be with their families or they are eagerly anticipating the surprises their families have planned for them. There is another side to Mother's Day, however, a darker side. A non-celebratory side. Not every mother has a baby. It may not seem to make sense, on the outside, but it's sad and true. Thousands of baby-loss mothers will mark Mother's Day somehow. Some may celebrate with their mothers or other loved ones. Some may have other children. Others may just keep their heads down and hope to get through it. But make no mistake: Every one of them will be thinking of the baby they lost, amidst all the celebrations of the day. " (excerpt from St. Louis Examiner)

We all know precious women who have lost their children to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death -- this Mother's Day take a minute from all the celebrating and say a prayer for that woman -- for the ache in her heart that won't go away this side of heaven!

Thinking of and praying for so many precious mommies and their babies in heaven!

'To remember is painful,
To forget is to impossible.'
- Maureen Connelly

'Loved with a love beyond telling,
missed with a grief beyond tears.'
- Unknown

My Favorite Forklift Driver! :-)

Khalid has been searching for months for a fulltime job and finally found one!  He is working outside of Vienna driving for a forklift for an oil/construction company.  Yea!  After working part time for months, he is  we are so excited for more hours and more money.   :)  Thanks God! 


He is SO cute in his hat and safety glasses!



Easter

Easter -- what a wonderful time of year!  Not only is it springtime, but people all over the world are celebrating the resurrection of our Lord!  He is Risen!  Khalid and I had a great Easter....we went to a Good Friday service at our church which was very moving and humbling.  It also made Easter Sunday that much more joyous because of the forgivness we have due to our Savior's death and resurrections.  YEA!  Praise God!  :-) 

It was also my first day of sugar in 40+ days....wish I could say that it was wonderful, but I seem to have a problem with two words called self-control.  I made muffins for breakfast and that was good.  Then after church we went and got Tichy (aka heavenly ice cream) which was even better.  THEN for dinner I decided to forgo actual food and had Dr. Pepper and Reesee's which was the beginning of a horrible belly ache.  :-)  At least they tasted good when I was eating them even if my stomach had forgotten how to digest sugar.... 

(writing this on Wednesday and had a donut for breakfast - first sugar again since Sunday - stomach seems okay with that although I haven't tried a soda again yet....nervous.  ha!)


With my Tichy Eis



Before our Good Friday service

Blessings

Two years ago on Easter I was still deep in my grief for Nicoda, yet I will never forget what my friend Heidi told me.  She actually left her service to call me and tell how convicted she felt  about Jesus' resucrection and the hope that I can have of seeing Nicoda again.  I never forgot her words or the meaning.  I love the thought that my precious babies are waiting in heaven for Khalid and I to come -- all because Jesus gave up his life in order to make us perfect in God's eyes!  Praise God!  He is Risen! 

Hope Mommies

*** a side note to begin *** 
When I left for my retreat a couple of weeks ago, I literally thought finally I can start relationships without the cloud of grief around me.  I always answer peoples question about it if I have children with yes and tell them briefly about Nicoda, but I wanted this weekend to be about something new.  BUT at the retreat I met woman after woman who had lost kids through miscarriage and stillbirth.  Then when I arrived home, I had an email from a dear friend connecting me to another amazing woman and a website called Hope Mommies. which led me to so many more stories and women.   I say all of that to say God isn't through with Mr. Nicoda's story in my life and others.  God isn't ready for me to forget all that grief because He knows now it is the time to pay it forward.   God is so good! 

Hope Mommies is a website/forum for moms who have lost children to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death.  When I first lost Nicoda (and by that I mean the first year!) I would scour the web for these websites and read story after story.  So many of the stories that I read made me more angry that I lost Nicoda because the women saw no sense in the death -- they didn't have Jesus.  Hope Mommies is a place where women who are searching like I was can read others stories like they so want to and see HOPE in them instead of just sorrow and bitterness.  I LOVE IT!  What an amazing blessing and tool this website is going to be!  Praise God for His Mighty Way in working through people to meet needs! 

Grief and Loss -- Looking Back

Last weekend I was BLESSED beyond measure to attend the women's retreat sponsered by my church, International Chapel of Vienna.  And I won't mince words it was the best weekend of my life since losing Nicoda.  I learned so much, met so many wonderful women, was met by God exactly when I needed it, and was ANXIETY FREE! 

At the retreat I met several women who have lost children through miscarriage and one who gave her testimony of losing her son at 31 weeks (just like our boy).  Hearing all of their different stories was so eye opening for me.  The amazing woman who lost her Christoper at 31 weeks knew since week 10 that he was going to die.  He wasn't developing or forming correctly, but they knew that God had given him life and they would going to carry him until God took him.  She talked about verses that gave her hope during that time and how she was grieveing, but that everyday she saw how Christopher was touching lives and allowing them to minister to others.  I sat there weeping for her pain and literally in shock about how she and family viewed his life and death as such a God thing so early on.  Her story was so night and day from how I felt when I lost Nicoda.  I also met another woman who had just recently lost her child at 10 weeks.  They had been doing in vitro for FIVE years and were finally blessed with a child only to lose him/her.   M (the woman) told me that she couldn't believe how hungry for the Word losing her child has made her.  She downloads and listens to 5 or 6 sermons a day and has an unquenchable thirst for soaking up everything spiritual.  I again listened in disbelief in how her grief story is going to be so different from mine.  I feel like it took me a good part of two years before I felt 'good' again.  Two years before my heart and my mind could both understand at the same time that God is still God -- although my life changed He didn't change.  He loves me and is working things out for His glory. 

From those stories of those amazing women, I have been changed.  Since arriving home I have been soaking up the Scriptures like I haven't ever read them before.  I am so motivated to use my life for God's glory and to continue to find a way to use Nicoda's life for His glory as well.

(written last week and somehow forgot to post it!)