With Christmas comes all the gift buying, the Advent season, all the anticipation for Christmas morning...but for me (this year in particular) it reminded me that I am just a couple weeks away from Nicoda's 4 th birthday. Wow! 4 years he has gotten to be in heaven and 4 years I've missed him. Maybe it's silly, but a part of me hoped that people were right and I'd be 'better or happier' once I had another baby. They were wrong, I was foolish. Having and loving Kyler just makes it all the more real of what I didn't get with Nicoda. Like in 1 Corinthians where it says 'the message of the cross is foolishness to those perishing'. I didn't know all the things to miss about Nicoda...sweet giggles, smiles in the morning, first steps.
This Christmas I was struck by what it must have felt like 2000 years ago when God watched his son be born all the while knowing in 30 years he'd die. Such joy and grief mixed together. That is how my thoughts of Nicoda are now....joy and grief all intermingled.
Father God, I praise you for letting my Nicoda know only heaven! I beg that you continue to bind up my wounds when missing him overtakes me. Help me use my grief to better love on others.
No comments:
Post a Comment