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Three years -- it sounds like a LONG time, yet I still remember how Nicoda felt kicking in my belly, how he he favored my right side (we know now he was stuck there - poor guy), remember the devesation of not hearing his heartbeat that last sonogram, the horror of leaving the cemetary, and the hopelessness of that first year.
But three years is long enough for me to see how far God has brought me since then. I miss Nicoda everyday. I wonder what new phrases he'd be learning and if he'd like sports yet. I like to imagine him making cute little friends and learning all about Jesus. Yet the truth is so much more beautiful...he doesn't need to learn about Jesus - he is with Him. He doesn't need to make friends or learn words because he is surrounded by a multiply of witnesses and was born singing praises to our Lord. How beautiful! Does that make me wish just a little less for 1 more hour or day....no, but it buoys my heart to know how blessed he is; how blessed he has made me; and how his little life has blessed others.
This year his birthday is more bitter for me than the last two, I think because the first year I was still mired deep in my grief and the second year I was with my hubby. This year Khalid is still having his early life crisis and I have the double grief of missing them both. I spend alot of time wondering, hoping, praying that Cupcake will know (even only though words and pictures) his brother. It is SO important for me to pass that down to him -- for him to know of Nicoda and to feel some connection there.
Mr. Nicoda -- You are so loved. You have been since the moment I found out I was carrying you. And no amount of time or distance has or will change that. Can't wait til that day when I get to see you again! -- Love, Mommy
Beautiful Stacia...
ReplyDeleteStay strong sweetheart! You are such a strong woman and mother! My heart aches for you as much as it is filled with joy for the lifetime of beautiful journeys you will continue to take.
ReplyDeleteKristen Westpfahl
Your strength in God is powerful Stacia. Prayers for you and for your journey to come.
ReplyDeleteSo beautiful! Praying for you, hurting for you, and in awe of how beautifully you have continued to show God's power as you've trudged through so much pain.Love you so much.
ReplyDeleteStacia,
ReplyDeleteWe never know all that is in God's plan. However, you are testament to what giving your life totally to God is. You have remained faithful through the high times and the very lowest of lows. As a result, look at all of the lives you have touched as a result. Life is what we make it, acceptance of the pain but also the JOY that comes in the MORNING!!! May you find peace knowing God is holding your little one right now, and comforting knowing he is also taking care of the little one getting ready to show himself in the next month. My prayer for your friend is to continue your journey with strength, courage, and valor that only comes from what we allow God to do in us!!!
thanks for sharing Stacia. it's a nice reminder that our little ones who left too early are with Jesus. thinking and praying for you and Khalid and little cupcake!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful Stacia...i have watched you grow through all of the past three years. You've come a long way and I am so proud of you my friend. We should not have to say good bye to our babies, but God chose us for a reason. I know Nicoda and Gracie are playing, lauging and singing in Heaven. While I wish we could be with our babies, we are still needed here on Earth for our other babies. I love you! I am always here for you and admire your strength and growth each day. <3
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